Charlie Peabody of Portales Partners “deconstructed” an internal memo of Vikram Pandit, Citi’s CEO, on the bank’s repayment of the TARP loan:

Citigroup: “Today we announce a series of transactions to repay the $20 billion of TARP outstanding and terminate the asset guarantee we received from the U.S. Government.”

Translation: I am sick of working for $1 per year.

Citigroup: “Today we are strongly capitalized…”

Translation: We have diluted the shareholders by a factor of six.

Citigroup: “… efficient…”

Translation: We have cut the company in half.

Citigroup: “…and created a strong foundation for the future.”

Translation: We are working on a strategy.

Citigroup: “There are still economic challenges ahead…”

Translation: Forget about any kind of bonus.

Citigroup: “Over the past few months, I have visited many of you in the U.S and around the world…”

Translation: I am trying to avoid the home office.

How to buy on eBay

I am continually amazed at how many people incrementally bid up an item they want six days before an auction is over. It’s like watching someone walk around with a switch unknown to him flipped permanently to stupid. It’s easy, really. All it requires is patience, knowing what you want, what it is worth, what you are willing to pay for it, and then, again, and this is the important part — waiting.
Step One:
Find the product you want.
Step Two:
Save the product to your watch list.
Step Three:
Wait.
Step Four:
Just before the item ends, enter the maximum amount you are willing to pay for the item.
Step Five:
Click submit.
Did you win? If you put in an amount you would be comfortable paying for it, you did. At the very least, you did not:
Signal your intention to every jingjang from here to your momma who might be interested in the item.
Bid up the item to what you wanted to pay for it days before the auction is over.
In the final frenzy talk yourself into spending more for it than you were willing to pay.
Follow these rules and you’ll be happy and end up with most of the items you bid on. But be warned, the next time you see two hoopleheads bidding up an item six dollars at a time twelve days before the auction is over, you’ll want to poke your eyes out with a stick.